|
|
Andy Interviews... |
Andy: How's it going : on the tour and stuff?
Rich: Yeah. Really good.
Andy: Where do you think you fit in the music scene?
Rich: Don't know. Don't think about things like that.
Andy: No? You don't want to fit, or you just don't care?
Rich: About somewhere between...
Mike: ...don't care.
Andy: What do you care about?
Rich and Mike laugh.
Rich: Kipper ties. Do you know where we can get a nice kipper tie round here?
Mike laughs.
Andy: Not at quarter to seven in the evening, no, not really.
Mike (dazed): Is it quarter to seven, now?
Rich: Do you think we might get a kipper tie in there?
Andy: It's their style. It's sometimes a bit seventies around here.
Mike: No, a 'cup of tea'.
Rich: Kipper tie !!
Rich and Mike laugh.
Andy: So you're just ripping the piss basically. They'll have a 'kipper tie' in there, no hassle.
Rich: It's the puchline to our favourite joke at the moment.
Andy: What's the joke? Or... is that it?
Rich: It's about Noddy Holder buying some clothes. He's in a tailor's shop, and he's got his suit and shoes and the tailor says "What about a kipper tie?" and Noddy goes "Yeah, milk and two sugars." Rich giggles
Andy: Fair enough, then. That's a good one.
Rich: The other one we like is: two parrots sitting on a perch, and one says to the other "Can you smell fish"...
Mike: Perch.
Rich and Mike giggle then laugh.
Andy: Ohh dear.
Rich: It's a good joke that is. This is how we pass our time, telling jokes.
Andy: I assume you don't kip in this thing?
Rich: You assume right, yeah.
Andy: Where are you staying on tour? Are you going back to London?
Mike: We're from Birmingham. Hotels. Unless we're in reach of Birmingham.
Rich: We're going to Worcester tomorrow, which is near to where we live so we can go home. It'd be a bit silly going to London really because... we don't live there. There's enough homeless people on the streets already without another half a dozen turning up.
Andy: What's a Bentley Rhythm Ace fan like?
Rich: A Bentley Rhythm Ace. It's... what, the drum machine?
Andy: I actually asked what's a Bentley Rhythm Ace FAN like?
Rich: Oh. We've never met a fan.
Mike: Not yet.
Rich: I thought they looked like attractive girls.
Mike: That's to be hoped.
Rich (rummaging around) : We've got some photographs - this is at one of our concerts the other night. At the front of the stage, definately, there was girls.
Mike: Oh yeah. There's definately girls.
Rich: There was girls with little black dresses on and smart haircuts.
Andy: They're your two fans?
Rich: They were that night. [rummages more] There's quite a few...
Mike: Have you got any pictures of our car in there?
Rich: Of our what?
Mike: Our car... no, in there.
Rich: Oh... yeah...
Mike: We bought a car between us.
John: The van with the Bentley logo on the side?
Mike: No, it's a bit bigger than that.
Andy finds a copy of the Bentley's album : Is this the album? Wicked! I assume this is just for looking at.
Mike: Yeah, we've only got a few, one each.
Rich finds the picture of 'their car' - a cadillac with himself and Mike
posed in front of it and announces : This is our new car.
Andy: That's a big car!
Mike: Here it is.
Rich: We don't like to take it out with us 'cos people scratch it.
Andy: How much was that!?
Rich and Mike laugh again.
Mike: Cheap, really cheap. Our drummer's a mechanic so he's done it up.
Andy: Very impressive.
John: So are you two still the only two properly in the band and the others just...?
Rich: Yeah the others are just employees. GO ON! WORK!
Mike: WHAT'S ALL THAT BANGIN' FUZZ?
Fuzz: Oi! Bloody shut it inside there you, alright!? I'VE GOTTA COME AND GET ALL THE REST OF THE GEAR. Bang some more... Watch out. [BANG] [BANG] [CLUNK!]
Bloke: Is it an opportune moment for us to just...
Rich: Yeah, we're havin' a little chat with these lads.
Fuzz starts banging on the outside of the van.
Rich: We've found a new noise to make to annoy the driver which is... [drops ashtray from ceiling onto table]
Mike: ...really terrible.
Fuzz: Must be a crowner when it catches all the high frequencies in there.
Rich: Do you think we should stop doing it then?
Mike: I thought it was funny.
Rich: These are the wheel arches from our on-stage car.
Andy: Cool. I was wondering - have you got a guest list with you?
Rich: Erm... Where's that box? Our office in a box.
Andy: So what's a Bentley Rhythm Ace then?
Mike: It's a drum machine, a really old one.
John: Have you used one?
Mike: No, no, they're terrible.
Fuzz: 20 years in the business, me. 20 years. If you want to know anything, son. 20 years in the business alright.
Mike: 20 years he's done. He's got the rings, look, he's got the rings to show.
Andy: Who's Robert Cutprice? Is that his real name?
Rich: Here he is now.
Rob: 30 years in the business and I've never met such childish people in all my life. Put that in the interview.
Andy: Don't worry I will.
Rich is still looking for the guest list.
Mike: He's lost it...
Rich: It's gotta be somewhere...
Andy: Ohhhh dear.
Mike: Here y'are. It's down here.
Rich: Are your names on there?
Andy: Errm... no. Mint's on there though.
Mike: Fuzz knows Mint, he's from Birmingham.
Fuzz: Yeah, I know Mint. 20 years in the business I've been. I knew Mint fourteen years ago. Good times, good times...
Mike grabs the dictaphone and hijacks the interview : Do you like it now? Is it better than 20 years ago?
Fuzz: Showbiz just gets better.
Rob: Who's the best person you've ever met, like. Who's the most famous person you've ever met?
Fuzz: The most famous person?... Mike out of, er, Bentley Rhythm Ace.
Everyone laughs.
Mike: The Bentley Rhythm Ace?
Fuzz: Met 'em all, met 'em all.
And they all laugh again.
Rob: Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
Fuzz: oh...
Rob: Was that the Bentley's as well?
Fuzz: ...yeah, I think it was, yeah.
Rob: Have you ever met anyone else?
Fuzz: Er.. no. Sorry. No. 20 years though. 20 years. There's time.
Mike: In the business...
Fuzz: There's time yet. Still...[wanders off]
More laughter.
Andy: Is he actually 20 years old yet? He doesn't look much past 20 to be honest.
Mike: Yeah, he's like, 32.
Andy: So he's been in the business since he was twelve?
Mike: He fell off the stage when he was fourteen, he told me about it. And all the drums fell out.
Rich: He's like the Michael Jackson of the drums.
Rich and Mike laugh again.
Mike: Barry Manilow, isn't it?
Andy: Has he got a pet monkey, and lives in a...
Mike: Barry Manilow of the bongos. Eric Clapton of the cymbals.
Fuzz: Remember 'Hotel California' by the Eagles? Remember that? One of the greats. That was 20 years ago. 20 years ago when I started.
Mike: When you were twelve?
Fuzz: I played the drums on that. It was one of my firsts. I don't do that sort of thing though now.
Rich: His girlfriend don't like it when we take him back. She says "Can you keep him a bit longer?"
Andy: Mike, were you a plumber before?
Mike: Tarmaccer.
Andy: Is that Melody Maker?
Mike: Yeah, we're in it. Look.
John: Nice picture. Wow! they've given your album nine.
Mike grabs MM back : Have they!?
Andy: Yeah, everyone's gone a bit mad about you really haven't they?
Rich: Have they?
Andy: Well, Radio One have been playing you loads. They were playing Bentley's Gonna Sort You Out as I went to bed the other day.
Rich: Really? When's your bedtime?
Andy: Erm... It was about 1am.
Rich: Who was playing it?
Andy: Mary Anne Hobbs I think.
Rich sneers.
Andy: So, Mike, what's this about Toyah?
John: Yeah, in Select it said you were seen in a balti house with Toyah Willcox.
Mike: That was written by a guy from Jockey Slut. I don't even like Balti.
Rich: Does that mean you DO like Toyah? [laughs]
Mike: Er, no, I don't. It's this on-going thing we've got with him. He did it as a wind up but we got him back. He'd set up this thing on election night with us and Lionrock to do a kind of mock election thing but Bentley's took it to mean 'free beer, bring all your mates', so we arrived late and took over the whole thing.
Andy: Richard. You've been around for a while and Fatboy Slim, Norman Cook, has done loads of stuff. Is Skint (your label) just an excuse for loads of old blokes to jump on a new bandwagon.
Rich: Er, no. I can see where you're coming from, but it's not like that. I didn't say [he shakes an imaginary walking stick] "Come on Norman. We'll show these kids a thing or two. We didn't get any groupies the first time round..."
John: Where did you get that sample of the barking seal from?
Mike: I don't know. Probably from a car boot sale somewhere.
John: Have you thought of having a seal live on stage, now that you've got
a live drummer as well?
Rich: Er... no, not really. When we've taught Fuzz to balance a ball on his nose we can get him to do it.
Andy: Okay, last question. If Bentley Rhythm Ace was, like, a mental disorder... What would it's symptoms be?
Rich and Mike look blank and then giggle.
[perhaps these are the symptoms.]
. . .
Mike: Cup of tea then?
Rich: Erm... a Kipper tie.
Mike: Kipper tie.
Andy: That's fair enough. It never worked any other time I asked it.
Rich: Er... no, I'm not big on mental disorders.
Mike: Ayuhyuhgugh...
Rich: It'd just be - feet twitching and helpless giggling.
Mike giggles then they both laugh.
Mike: Cup of tea.
Rich: Kipper tie...
And as we leave the van, they're still giggling.
Andy: There was a funny smell in there...
How to get back to our main pages Return to CoZmiK books & music |
Shopping |
& Views |